One man’s practical joke is another man’s furniture…

 - by Aunt Johnny

Those who aren’t close to us might think that Elton John and I don’t get along. Some might even believe us to be arch enemies. But that just isn’t the case. He is a dear, dear friend – and I would do anything for that ego-maniacal, washed up, glitter queen. I do get why people think we hate each other though – because our friendship has been built on years of harmless practical jokes that to some might seem mean spirited or slightly harmful to the skin. We show our love by slandering each other in the media, calling the other hateful (yet colorful and creative) names. But it’s all in good fun – and we both know it.

I remember this one time (it still cracks me up to think about it!), I thought it would be fun to take all the clothes in his closet and have them altered so they were three sizes too small and 4 inches too short. The poor dear walked around for a week in skin-tight sequent tops that exposed his belly and pants that looked like capris with broken zippers. He looked like a puffy Keebler Elf in drag…it was hilarious!

He evened the score a few weeks later by filling my swimming pool with soy milk and Rice Krispies – and hired Nick Nolte to swim in it naked and sing “Snap, crackle, pop! Snap, crackle pop!” When I came home and saw it, I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he would do such a thing.

I thought, “That is SO sweet.” I was touched.

I heard he was going to be performing with Ga at the Grammy’s – and I wanted to show my support and wish him luck…so just sent an exploding box of chocolates to his dressing room. Well how was I supposed to know the big binge-eating hippo was going to tear right into them before the show? And he did it right before the two went out on stage together – and the exploding box of chocolate blasted black soot all over the both of them.

You know as well as I do that the show must go on – so the two went out on stage looking like they’d been working in the coal mines all day. That, my friends, is called professionalism.

So when I got home from the Grammy’s that evening – I came into my living room to find that Elton had delivered a little gift of his own. A book shelf:

Leave it to Elton John to trump my gift. It is lovely – and totally goes with the whole “less is more” vibe I have going on in my living room – but I have to be honest, I’m not quite sure if it will suit me long term. For one thing, it is a bitch to dust. And you have feed and water it, like, every day. I can barely keep a poinsettia plant alive during the holidays – how am I supposed to keep up with this?

Thankfully I have Nick Nolte to help out. He doesn’t swim ALL day – so this gives him something to do.

Love ya like an uncircumsized bookend,

Aunt Johnny

For more information about the strange human art photographs, go to:

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