You should know that I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. It doesn’t occur very often – but when it does, I’m the first to hold a press conference to announce it. So let the record show that today, on the eighth day of February, Aunt Johnny is admitting to the world – I was wrong.
For the record though, I never give my opinion unless asked for it. So when Megan Fox asked my honest opinion about a Super Bowl commercial she was doing for Motorola, I gave her some bad advice…because now the media is all up in arms about the fact she used a thumb double.
I was having lunch with Betty White so we could get our stories straight in case anyone questioned us individually about Charlie Sheen’s recent car theft. Megan came to the table looking positively distraught.
“Auntie, I’m so confused!” she said, welling up with tears, “I’m doing this cell phone commercial – and they want me to use a thumb double! A DOUBLE! I’m mortified! For ME! I’m so embarrassed. What should I do? They are paying me a lot of money for this damn commercial!”
Rolling my eyes at Betty, I took a sip of my martini – set it neatly down on the table – dabbed the corner of my mouth with a cloth napkin, and took a deep breathe as I looked up at her pathetic doe eyes and said, “Use the thumb double, darling.”
Betty nodded in agreement and pinched the ass of a waiter walking by.
“Seriously?” Megan asked, seemingly appalled by my response.
“Dear, the world is not ready for your freakishly stumpy thumbs,” I said in a matter of fact tone, “The object is to sell mobile phones, not scare people so much they stop texting all together and start sending communication via the US Postal Service. You’re a pretty girl – but you have the thumbs of an arthritic oyster shuck-er.”
She looked down and frowned. “I guess you have a good point.”
I sensed that she needed an encouraging pick-me-up, so I said, “Kitten, it is not your fault you’re horribly disfigured. We all have those things about ourselves we don’t like. Take me for example – I have a hideous freckle below my left ankle that ended my career as a foot model before it started. The trick is getting passed it and finding confidence in the things about us that are beautiful. I’m fortunate that my exquisite ear lobes draw focus completely away from that devil freckle.”
Betty was nodding again. “It’s true. My left tit is almost twice as big as the other, so I have to keep back issues of AARP magazine on the right side of my bra to keep myself balanced so I don’t fall over. Did that stop me from being a successful actress? No. I’m a fucking Golden Girl for fucks sake!”
Betty tends to curse a lot after her third Bloody Mary.
“The point is,” I said to Megan, “You have a career to think about – so unless you want to be cast as a beaver in a high-def National Geographic movie, you need to hide those clubbed nubs from the camera indefinitely. Now, honey…would you mind going back to your own table now? People are starting to stare at those sledge hammers.”
Now, apparently people all over the world who have Megan’s condition (brachydactyly, a rare condition which is probably better known as a clubbed thumb) are pissed off that she “sold out” by using a thumb double.
I should have told Megan to stand proud on national television and text her heart out with those little tree stumps. But in my defense, I was lunching with Betty White when my advice was asked for – and frankly, Megan should have known better than to listen to me after I’ve had my fourth martini and rolling on ecstasy.
Don’t judge me. The ecstasy was Betty’s idea.
Megan – Love Tart…I’m sorry for giving you such bad advice. The only way people in this world will ever be able to accept the things that look, sound, act or appear different is by putting it in their face with unapologetic confidence – giving them the opportunity to know better. The price of progress is often discomfort and unease. But with time, people will find that you’re just like anyone else – deserving of the same rights and privileges as any other human being.
It’s not like you’re a fag in the military or something.
Love ya like full frontal thumbs,