A Cat Fight Between Mariah Carey and Gravity…

 - by Aunt Johnny

I really don’t understand why this made national headlines. Mariah Carey falling down is nothing new. Ok, well maybe falling down on stage is sort of new.

But this bitch is one of the most unfortunate, accident prone klutzes I’ve ever met. It’s almost as if gravity has some unwritten vendetta against her for hitting a high note at some point that caused some sort of catastrophic avalanche that set into motion a terrifying chain of natural disasters around the globe that ultimately lead to what we now call “global warming.”

So every fifteen minutes or so, gravity is like “Fuck you Mariah!” – and down she goes like a narcoleptic speed skater.

She once broke a brand new coffee table in my sitting room because gravity felt like giving her a bitch slap in the middle of an impromptu karoake performance to Dolly Parton’s “Nine to Five.” But she’s a trooper, that one. She just keeps on singing. Well, singing and demanding that one of her subordinate minions comes to her aid immediately to remove her shoes or an item of clothing that has mysteriously gotten entirely too tight in the span of two choruses.

And, as you see in this video – she remains consistent. She keeps on singing (sort of), while beckoning the help to come remove her shoes – which are clearly at fault for her inability to walk and sing at the same time.

Meanwhile, the pregnancy rumors still abound.   I can’t confirm or deny whether or not she is with child.  She is a dear, close friend – and I would never betray the trust of a woman who could spread me on a cracker as a mid morning nosh. But I can say that it must be rather embarrassing to be at a point in one’s figure where people are uncertain if you’re knocked up or you’ve just inhaled sixteen quarter pounders with cheese for breakfast.

I’ve been there. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Love ya like receiving a baby stroller in the mail from Elton John after having gained 4 pounds,

Aunt Johnny

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