Lesbian Interrupted…

 - by Aunt Johnny

“For the last time, I am NOT a lesbian!” I shouted into the phone at the New York Times reporter, “Do I sound like a lesbian to you?”

Frankly, I wasn’t too pleased with his answer to that question – because apparently, I didn’t sound masculine enough to be a lesbian.

“Bitch.” I hung up on him.

What could be more strange than a lesbian blogger of an online lesbian publication being outed as a straight man?  Simple. TWO lesbian bloggers being outed as straight men in the same week. I just don’t know what this world is coming to.

This last weekend, a 40-year-old Georgia man, Tom MacMaster, admitted to assuming a lesbian persona called Amina Arraf in order to call attention to the political situation in Syria. That was just before the Washington Post revealed that ”Paula Brooks,” the editor of the lesbian news site LezGetReal.com, where Arraf began posting, was in fact Bill Graber, a 58-year-old retired U.S. Air Force pilot.

Weird.

But what is even more disturbing about this gender bending world wide web of lies is the offensive, unnecessary and unflattering light the whole hot mess has shed on me – and the legitimacy of my identity. To even suggest that I might be a lesbian, or for that matter a heterosexual military retiree is downright defamatory and libelous.

All of this madness started when two men posing as lesbian bloggers were exposed after one of them staged his/her phony abduction. This fake abduction was apparently some publicity stunt to draw more attention to the political situation in Syria – but the poor stupid hetero didn’t take into account one very important fact about lesbians:

When they get worried, they don’t fuck around. They mobilize by sounding the secret alarm.

And when the alarm sounds, all those lesbians you never see (because they’ve been nesting in their homes, chopping wood, or adding a racket ball court to the back of the house) come flooding into the streets like flanneled zombies in a Michael Jackson Thriller video to find their missing sister.

It’s really very sweet if you think about it.

Social media was engaged…and before long, two and two was not adding up to four – and the Twitter dykes started to smell something fishy. Wait. I should rephrase that.

Once the cat was out of the bag, or – in this case, the dog, a media frenzy ensued – and my phone has been ringing off the hook ever since with reporters calling trying to confirm that I am, in fact, who I say I am – and not a lesbian, or 300 lb single mother of six with four different baby daddies, two of whom are incarcerated for domestic violence and drug trafficking.

These two hetero shmucks have set a negative precedent – calling into question the authenticity of all those with a significant voice online… and now I’m forced to defend my good name as the Internets favorite conservative Republican who occasionally enjoys an adult beverage and collects restraining orders from soap opera actors and hip hop moguls.

“What does the secret alarm sound like?” Betty White asked me, looking confused.

“It’s kind of like a kitten’s meow if it were being squeezed really hard by an unsupervised toddler under water.” I said.

Love ya like a punk’d lesbian,

Aunt Johnny

Link to the story: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43398513/ns/world_news-mideast_n_africa/

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