Tag: Big Bird’

Bai Ling is a little thief – but she wears it with pizzazz

 - by Aunt Johnny

I don’t know why I was surprised to see Bai Ling in this get-up, but I was.

I guess I just expected more from her after I’ve been such a kind and thoughtful employer to her all these years. So to have her traipsing down the red carpet at the Sonia Rykiel lingerie collection bash for H&M in THAT is just a bit of a slap in the face, is all.

I can’t really say that Bai Ling and I are friends. Because we most certainly are not. I’m sure there are lots of people out there who are adequately equipped to offer friendship to a big noodle bowl of crazy like her, but I, for one, am not. I just don’t have the patience to deal with her incessant neurotics. I don’t have a heart made from coal, however…so when she came to me looking for a job – my altruistic nature got the better of me, and I graciously offered her work.

So for three years now, she has been mowing my lawn every other week. No, that is not a euphemism for something else. She actually does mow my lawn. She’s quite good at it actually. She is very precise and always has perfectly symmetrical lines (which I’m kind of nit-picky about…but she always does a first-rate job).  Each month I give her ten bucks and a four pack of Diet Snapple – and around the holidays, I throw in Mariah Carey’s “Merry Christmas” album and a basket of snicker-doodles (that the bitch never does eat).

I think we can all agree that as an employer, I am more than generous. And then she does this to me. For over a month now, I’ve been wondering what the hell happened to my canary marabou bathrobe. At first, I thought perhaps Kirstie Alley borrowed it the last time we took a bubble bath together and accidentally forgot to return it.

Then I ran into Bai Ling at the H&M Lingerie Bash wearing THIS thing. She took pair of scissors to a perfectly gorgeous bathrobe to create what could best be described as something one of Big Bird’s bitches would have worn if he were a porn king. I was devastated.

So I told her, “Listen to me Bai Ling, this is unacceptable behavior – and I am docking your pay until that robe is paid for, and you can just forget about getting a Diet Snapple from my refrigerator ever again.”

I guess she felt bad, because the next day she left a half eaten Chipotle Burrito on my door step with a note on it that read, “I heart you.” I was touched.

Love ya like bubbles and marabou,

Aunt Johnny