“Dude, you’re like, 42.” I said to Mariah Carey over mimosas and gummy bears this morning.
I was about three pitchers into my usual Sunday morning ritual of drinking and thumbing through the day’s headlines. Just as I was turning the page from an in depth feature in In Touch where Bristol Palin reveals she lost her virginity with Levi while being blitzed on wine coolers, I noticed Mariah’s new ad promoting her trio of fragrances “Lollipop Splash the Remix.”
She wasn’t paying any attention to me. She was captivated by a pink baby rattle shaking in front of her face as Betty White cooed “Who’s the pretty girl? Who’s the pretty little girl with stretch marks and crows feet? Who is it?!?”
Mariah just giggled and chewed on the ear of her Hello Kitty plush doll. Then she burped.
“Mariah, dear…aren’t you a bit old now for bedazzled butterfly hair clips and lollipops in your perfume ads? You are a mother of twins now – and about two Divas Live concerts away from hormone replacement therapy and hot flashes. I think it’s about time you ditch the aging tween schtick and start looking at adopting a more age appropriate sophistication. At a very least, finding a bra that isn’t three sizes too small.” I urged.
She was texting now as she smacked her strawberry flavored Bubble Yum.
“You’re wasting your breath,” Betty chimed in. “She’s been working the same tired trampy school girl with a butterfly fetish look for the last twenty years. You think she’s going to stop now? You’d have better luck getting Elton John to wear beige Converse and khakis.”
She had a point. I was just concerned. It just seems to me that a woman in her 40′s wearing charm bracelets and butterflies while sucking on a lollipop in a perfume ad is about as tragically self unaware as a bald man’s combover or heterosexual marriage to Tom Cruise. Someone HAD to tell her – and after three pitchers of mimosas, it made perfect sense for that person to be me.
Her latest fragrances — a trilogy inspired by her playful personality — are Never Forget You (“gourmet jelly beans and golden peony”), Vision of Love (“French macaroon and purple jasmine”) and Inseparable (“raspberry, mango, jasmine and orange flowers”). It’s the ideal bouquet to compliment the succulent scent of Chuck E Cheese pizza at a Build-a-Bear party.
Rather than spend any more time trying to convince her that her “sweet-and-innocent-without-a-gag-reflex” image was embarrassing for a woman old enough to have released albums on cassette tape, Betty and I decided to humor her and spent the rest of the day doodling boys names on Pee Chee folders and taking the “Does He Really Like You or Does He Just Want a Blow Job” quiz in Seventeen magazine.
Love ya like hoping he just wants a blow job,