Those who aren’t close to us might think that Elton John and I don’t get along. Some might even believe us to be arch enemies. But that just isn’t the case. He is a dear, dear friend – and I would do anything for that ego-maniacal, washed up, glitter queen. I do get why people think we hate each other though – because our friendship has been built on years of harmless practical jokes that to some might seem mean spirited or slightly harmful to the skin. We show our love by slandering each other in the media, calling the other hateful (yet colorful and creative) names. But it’s all in good fun – and we both know it.
I remember this one time (it still cracks me up to think about it!), I thought it would be fun to take all the clothes in his closet and have them altered so they were three sizes too small and 4 inches too short. The poor dear walked around for a week in skin-tight sequent tops that exposed his belly and pants that looked like capris with broken zippers. He looked like a puffy Keebler Elf in drag…it was hilarious!
He evened the score a few weeks later by filling my swimming pool with soy milk and Rice Krispies – and hired Nick Nolte to swim in it naked and sing “Snap, crackle, pop! Snap, crackle pop!” When I came home and saw it, I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he would do such a thing.
I thought, “That is SO sweet.” I was touched.
I heard he was going to be performing with Ga at the Grammy’s – and I wanted to show my support and wish him luck…so just sent an exploding box of chocolates to his dressing room. Well how was I supposed to know the big binge-eating hippo was going to tear right into them before the show? And he did it right before the two went out on stage together – and the exploding box of chocolate blasted black soot all over the both of them.
You know as well as I do that the show must go on – so the two went out on stage looking like they’d been working in the coal mines all day. That, my friends, is called professionalism.
So when I got home from the Grammy’s that evening – I came into my living room to find that Elton had delivered a little gift of his own. A book shelf:
Leave it to Elton John to trump my gift. It is lovely – and totally goes with the whole “less is more” vibe I have going on in my living room – but I have to be honest, I’m not quite sure if it will suit me long term. For one thing, it is a bitch to dust. And you have feed and water it, like, every day. I can barely keep a poinsettia plant alive during the holidays – how am I supposed to keep up with this?
Thankfully I have Nick Nolte to help out. He doesn’t swim ALL day – so this gives him something to do.
Love ya like an uncircumsized bookend,
For more information about the strange human art photographs, go to: http://dornob.com/strange-human-furniture-photos-not-safe-nor-work/
You just never know when creative inspiration is going to strike. But when it does, you just have to go with it. When Lady Gaga found out she was going to be the opening act at the 2010 Grammy Awards, inspiration for her red carpet ensemble struck at the oddest time.
Well to begin with, you should know that I don’t actually call her “Lady Gaga”. I shortened it to “Ga” quite some time ago. She seems to think it’s a term of endearment…a playful shortening of her name to reflect how close we are as friends. But to be honest, saying “Lady Gaga” simply takes too long and I just don’t have that kind of time.
Anywhore, from the moment she was booked to perform the opening number at the Grammy’s, she’s just been insufferable. She’s a bit of a workaholic, and God love her – it always results in exquisite performances with irreverent costuming…but sometimes, her obsessive creative process bugs. For weeks, I would get the strangest text messages at all hours of the day and night. Texts like, “What if I come out on stage wearing a dress filled with water and live goldfish with a giant net on my head? I could suck in my cheeks while I dance. It would be hot!”
Well, I have to be honest with her. She is a friend after all. If she had spinach in her teeth or came out of a bathroom with a tampon string hanging out (which totally happened one time at the Ivy), I would tell her. This was no different. So I responded, “You’re a dumbass. Live swordfish would be so much cooler. xoxo”
Finally, I got really tired of the texting at ungodly hours (I got one at 3 a.m. one morning when I was fencing with Winona Ryder. I could have put the poor girl’s eye out!) So I sent her a text that said, “Ga – ENOUGH! You’re coming over tomorrow and we’re gonna figure this Grammy’s thing out, because I’m OVER your constant texting! xoxo”
So she did. We spent the entire day doing arts and crafts in an attempt to get the creative juices flowing. I was scrapbooking my recent trip to Graceland, and she was making a Sonny & Cher salt and pepper shakers out of paper mache for her mom’s birthday.”
Nothing. Not a single good idea. Although we did decide that she would wear burlap leggings in her next music video. The chaffing is gonna suck – but that’s the price we pay for artful fashion.
A week later, we were practicing for a hula hoop competition we were entering when the inspiration for her red carpet ensemble came to me.
“Hey, what if you designed a dress out of a bunch of hoops? You could be like a solar system!” I said, getting more and more excited as I began thinking of accessories in my head, “And you could carry a clutch for your lipstick that’s shaped like a really pointed star!”
Ga’s hula hoop fell to the ground and she started to clap. Then she piddled.
You’re welcome, Ga. xoxo
Love ya like salting my pork chops with Cher,