Tag: Queen Latifah’

Treating Robert Pattinson’s vagina allergy…

 - by Aunt Johnny

Robert Pattinson spent the weekend passed out in my guest room after a harrowing work week. The poor dear has been burning the candle at both ends ever since those little vampire movies came out – but his Details magazine photo shoot where he posed with a naked woman nearly drove him to a nervous breakdown.

“I really hate vaginas,” he says in his Details interview (on newsstands February 23).

(Meanwhile, somewhere out there, Senator Larry Craig is reading this in an airport bathroom and thinking, “Preach!”)

“I’m allergic to vaginas,” he continues in the interview. “But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours… Thank God I was hungover.”

Everyone thinks being an actor is nothing but A-List parties, sleeping til noon, memorizing a couple of lines than then snorting a few. But let me tell you, it’s very hard work. And poor little Bobby Pattinson having to endure the sight of girly bits during a 12 hour photo shoot is the dark side of Hollywood that I do my best to shield you from – but friends, that’s the harsh reality of this business we call “Show”.

Bobby has been asleep for three straight days – the poor dear.  I’m not sure if it is the stress of his nonstop promotional tour for the Twilight series, his horrific allergic reaction to the va-jay-jay, or the six Ambien I gave him with dinner. Eminem always served them between soup and the main course – and while I might not agree with all of his rap lyrics, the man knows his dinner party protocol – so I happily stole the idea.

While he slept, I took it upon myself to do some research. In this business, it’s silly to think he wouldn’t find himself in another situation where he’s being filmed and exposed to female anatomy at the same time. How embarrassing would it be to break out in hives and start itching like crazy while trying to film a love scene with Queen Latifah? It could happen…and if it did, I wanted him to be prepared.

As it turns out though, there doesn’t seem to be a medication available over the counter (or prescription for that matter) for an allergy to vagina. Who knew? I must have read 20 or 30 drug labels from Benedryl to Zyrtec – but none of them seemed to have any indications for exposure to vagina. I was baffled.

So I called my dear friend Clay Aiken for some homeopathic advice. He’s sort of a self-professed guru on natural cold remedies and homemade personal lubricants. I figured he’d have some insight.

“Darling – what do you recommend for an allergy to the whoo-ha?” I asked.

“Sex with men.” he said flatly.

Preach.

So when Bobby wakes up, I’m going to suggest this to him and recommend one of Clay’s homemade personal lubricants.

Love ya like twice daily treatment for vagina allergies,

Aunt Johnny

Link to US Weekly story: http://www.usmagazine.com/moviestvmusic/news/pic-robert-pattinson-poses-with-a-naked-woman-2010132